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Golf Jokes
Four gentlemen go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, 'Has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the first tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out", he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practising homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be very good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars and a big pile of stock certificates."
What did Greg Norman say to his Caddie?
Last week we were playing this hole and one of the other guys hit a humongous hook that hit a car's windshield. Not wanting to get in trouble we quickly finished the round. Coming up 18 we see a cop at the green. When we get there he asks, "Did any of you guys hit a hook on Number X". The culprit admits it.
The cop then says, "Well your ball went through the windshield causing the 80 year old driver to have a heart attack and die."
The culprit then asks the cop, "Well what should I do."
The Cop replies, "Well I would try opening my stance a little!"
A guy's boat capsizes and he swims ashore to a desert island. On the beach lies a beautiful woman, her ample bust falling out of a tight wetsuit. She tells him she'll grant him any wish he'd like. "I'd kill for a cigarette,'' he says. She zips down the top of the wetsuit a little, reaches into her bosom and fishes out a smoke. He enjoys. "Anything else?" she says. "A cold beer," he says. She zips the top down a little further, reaches in and comes up with a beer. He's relaxing with his beer and his smoke when she says to him, "Would you like to play around?" He looks at her excitedly and blurts out, "You got a set of clubs in there, too?"
A guy is having an affair with his secretary. They take the afternoon off and head to a local motel. As evening approaches, she asks him how he will explain his late arrival to his wife. He thinks for a moment and then asks the secretary to take his shoes outside and scruff them up a bit in the grass. When she returns the shoes are covered with green stains and a blades of grass.
The guy gets home and his wife says: "You're late. Where have you been?"
He replies: "You know that beautiful new secretary I hired? I'm having an affair with her. We spent the afternoon together at a motel."
She looks him over suspiciously, from head to toe. Her eyes lock in on his feet as she stares at the shoes.
"Don't lie to me." she says. "It's obvious you've been at the golf course all day."
A guy is at the driving range having a heck of a day.
Everything thing he tries to hit he tops, balls only going about 20' and burning worms the whole way. Finally disgusted, he turns to the pro on the range and mutters," If I don't connect with this one, I'm gonna jump in that lake and drown myself!"
Pro looks at him and says" I don't think you can do it."
"Why not?" He asks.
Pro says " I don't think you can keep your head down that long!"
A man hits his golf ball into a field of buttercups, the golfer very carefully looks for the ball careful not to disturb the beautiful flowers. He finds the ball and takes a drop because he does not want to harm the buttercups. Mother Nature is so impressed she appears and tells the man how pleased she is with him and as a reward he will receive one pound of butter a week for the rest of his life. The golfer says "That's fine but where were you on the last hole when I was in the pussy willows".
Three guys are about to tee off at their usual Saturday morning T-time when a guy walks up and asks to join them, they say sure and off they go. The new guy is right handed and shoots 1 under for the round, as they are leaving the 3 guys say to him We are playing next Saturday, same time, want to join us? The fellow says sure but he might be a little late and they shouldn't wait for him. The next week he shows up on time and shoots 1 under playing left handed. The 3 ask him to join again next week and he again says sure but don't wait for him if he is late.
The next week he shows up again and shoots even par right handed. After the round the 3 guys say to him... How do you decide whether you're going to play left handed or right handed? He answers - Simple when I wake up in the morning I look at my wife.....if she is sleeping on her right side, I play right handed, ... if she is sleeping on her left side I play left handed. One of the 3 pipes up - what do you do if she is sleeping on her back? ... to which he answers....that's when I'm a little bit late.
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