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Golf Humour
What did Greg Norman say to his Caddie?
A golfer came to a 434yard par 4 hole. He took out his driver and hit his ball as hard as he could. The ball sailed on the wind higher and further then any previous shot he had hit in the last thirty years. It landed 50 yards short of the green and bounced on the hard fairway over a bunker and rolled towards the pin and into the hole. The golfer could not believe it and said "I would give up half my sex life to be able to repeat that shot."
A voice said "Alright it's a deal, half your sex life."
The golfer teed his ball and repeated his shot with the same result.
The voice then asked "How often do you have sex?"
The golfer replied "About twelve times a year."
"That's not very often" said the voice.
The golfer said "I don't know. It's not bad for a priest with a very small parish."
My neighbour lives on her own and has set herself up as a handyperson to carry out small decorating jobs. She visited the local golf club and spoke to the secretary about work. The secretary decided the porch of the clubhouse could use a coat of paint and showed my neighbour where she could find paint and brushes. The secretary set off for his daily round of golf but he had only reached the 4th tee when my neighbour joined him and said "I've finished the painting and even managed two coats. By the way it wasn't a porch it was a ferrari."
The "Unofficial" Rules of BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club
and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep
the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners
are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to
avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the
course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may
result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon
arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to
admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or
are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course
owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly
scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first
time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover
someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times.
Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily
under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation.
More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the
case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before
attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared o proceed
at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the
same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
** Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a
given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and
the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to
continue to play several different courses.
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