Golf humour and jokes
Four gentlemen go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. "My son," says one, 'Has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, allows how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm and in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift.
As the fourth man arrives at the first tee box, another tells him that they have been discussing their progeny and asks what line his son is in. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out", he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser, and I've just recently discovered he's a practising homosexual. But, on the bright side, he must be very good at what he does because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two cars and a big pile of stock certificates."
Last week we were playing this hole and one of the other guys hit a humongous hook that hit a car's windshield. Not wanting to get in trouble we quickly finished the round. Coming up 18 we see a cop at the green. When we get there he asks, "Did any of you guys hit a hook on Number X". The culprit admits it.
The cop then says, "Well your ball went through the windshield causing the 80 year old driver to have a heart attack and die."
The culprit then asks the cop, "Well what should I do."
The Cop replies, "Well I would try opening my stance a little!"
A guy's boat capsizes and he swims ashore to a desert island. On the beach lies a beautiful woman, her ample bust falling out of a tight wetsuit. She tells him she'll grant him any wish he'd like. "I'd kill for a cigarette,'' he says. She zips down the top of the wetsuit a little, reaches into her bosom and fishes out a smoke. He enjoys. "Anything else?" she says. "A cold beer," he says. She zips the top down a little further, reaches in and comes up with a beer. He's relaxing with his beer and his smoke when she says to him, "Would you like to play around?" He looks at her excitedly and blurts out, "You got a set of clubs in there, too?"
A guy is having an affair with his secretary. They take the afternoon off and head to a local motel. As evening approaches, she asks him how he will explain his late arrival to his wife. He thinks for a moment and then asks the secretary to take his shoes outside and scruff them up a bit in the grass. When she returns the shoes are covered with green stains and a blades of grass.
The guy gets home and his wife says: "You're late. Where have you been?"
He replies: "You know that beautiful new secretary I hired? I'm having an affair with her. We spent the afternoon together at a motel."
She looks him over suspiciously, from head to toe. Her eyes lock in on his feet as she stares at the shoes.
"Don't lie to me." she says. "It's obvious you've been at the golf course all day."
A guy is at the driving range having a heck of a day.
Everything he tries to hit, he tops, balls only going about 20' and burning worms the whole way. Finally disgusted, he turns to the pro on the range and mutters," If I don't connect with this one, I'm gonna jump in that lake and drown myself!"
Pro looks at him and says" I don't think you can do it."
"Why not?" He asks.
Pro says " I don't think you can keep your head down that long!"
A man hits his golf ball into a field of buttercups, the golfer very carefully looks for the ball careful not to disturb the beautiful flowers. He finds the ball and takes a drop because he does not want to harm the buttercups. Mother Nature is so impressed she appears and tells the man how pleased she is with him and as a reward he will receive one pound of butter a week for the rest of his life. The golfer says "That's fine but where were you on the last hole when I was in the pussy willows".
Three guys are about to tee off at their usual Saturday morning T-time when a guy walks up and asks to join them, they say sure and off they go. The new guy is right handed and shoots 1 under for the round, as they are leaving the 3 guys say to him We are playing next Saturday, same time, want to join us? The fellow says sure but he might be a little late and they shouldn't wait for him. The next week he shows up on time and shoots 1 under playing left handed. The 3 ask him to join again next week and he again says sure but don't wait for him if he is late.
The next week he shows up again and shoots even par right handed. After the round the 3 guys say to him... How do you decide whether you're going to play left handed or right handed? He answers - Simple when I wake up in the morning I look at my wife.....if she is sleeping on her right side, I play right handed, ... if she is sleeping on her left side I play left handed. One of the 3 pipes up - what do you do if she is sleeping on her back? ... to which he answers....that's when I'm a little bit late.
A golfer came to a 434yard par 4 hole. He took out his driver and hit his ball as hard as he could. The ball sailed on the wind higher and further then any previous shot he had hit in the last thirty years. It landed 50 yards short of the green and bounced on the hard fairway over a bunker and rolled towards the pin and into the hole. The golfer could not believe it and said "I would give up half my sex life to be able to repeat that shot."
A voice said "Alright it's a deal, half your sex life."
The golfer teed his ball and repeated his shot with the same result.
The voice then asked "How often do you have sex?"
The golfer replied "About twelve times a year."
"That's not very often" said the voice.
The golfer said "I don't know. It's not bad for a priest with a very small parish."
My neighbour lives on her own and has set herself up as a handyperson to carry out small decorating jobs. She visited the local golf club and spoke to the secretary about work. The secretary decided the porch of the clubhouse could use a coat of paint and showed my neighbour where she could find paint and brushes. The secretary set off for his daily round of golf but he had only reached the 4th tee when my neighbour joined him and said "I've finished the painting and even managed two coats. By the way it wasn't a porch it was a ferrari."
The "Unofficial" Rules of BEDROOM GOLF
1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play -- normally one club and two balls.
2. Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.
3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.
4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.
5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.
6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.
7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.
8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have play on or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for this reason.
9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along, just in case.
10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played on for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.
11. Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.
12. Players are advised to obtain the course owner's permission before attempting to play the back nine.
13. Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared o proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.
14. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.
15. The course owner will be the sole judge of who is the best player.
** Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue to play several different courses.
Four married guys go golfing. During the 4th hole the following conversation took place:
First Guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut Off my alarm, give the wife a nudge and say, 'Golf Course or Intercourse?' So she says, 'Wear your sweater.'"
